Okay, okay, I know – you guys want more articles about kung-fu movies! I get it, I really, really do! However, the thing is, I don’t really have many ideas about good, worthwhile articles that I can write which are relevant to kung-fu cinema. Sure, I’ve got some vague notions (for example, I’ve always wanted to write something about “Kill Bill”), but nothing specific, and I figured that it would be a lot better if I didn’t force it and simply focused on writing about the area in which I do have experience and ideas, namely – online casinos. I know that there’s at least a few of you who care about that, if your letters to me are any indication, so if you’re among them, awesome! If not, no harm done, just move on and wait for me to post a kung-fu theme article, which would hopefully be sooner rather than later.

So, in my earlier post I spoke at length about movie-themed slots and why you should care about them. Well, in today’s article I’m going to talk a little bit about which slots you should specifically be focusing on! Because sure, I mentioned quite a lot of examples back then, but I didn’t give much of an indication about which ones are good and which ones are not. So here it is! First things first – “The Avengers”! The casino games developer known as Playtech used to have a deal with Marvel from 2009 until 2013 to develop slots based on Marvel properties, such as the movies and the comics, but unfortunately, many of these slots aren’t very good. That’s not the case with “The Avengers”, which is absolutely brilliant, and is by far the best slot out of the bunch! It truly says something when one of the most successful slots in Britain is based on a movie, huh?

Another great slot that I can really recommend is “Gladiator”, based on the Russell Crowe movie. Most slot license deals are very weird. Let’s say, for example, that you want to make a slot based on “The Godfather” – your typical deal will allow you to use the gangster theme and the name, but will keep you from using things such as the actors’ likenesses. Some slots are allowed to use pictures from the movie, but that’s about it. “Gladiator” is among the rare examples that weave footage from the film. Aside from that, it features some really cool bonus games, a “gamble” feature that allows you to bet your winnings on the flip of a coin and a nice jackpot. What more could you want?

Last, but not least, I need to mention “Aliens”, which, as a slot, isn’t actually bad – your main goal is to keep your winnings going continuously and racking up your combo, because when you reach a certain number of connected symbols you activate what’s probably the best bonus game I’ve ever played in my entire life. I’m not going to tell you what it is, you’re just going to have to go and play it on your own! Don’t forget that you can keep yourself informed about slots online quite easily, you don’t need me to give you all the details! Now go out there and play some slots!

If you’ve been following my blog for a while, then you should know that I’m a bit of a gambler. What can I say, I just love the casino and everything associated with it! Sure, I don’t like it as much as I like kung-fu movies, but honestly, few things match up to an evening at my local casino with friends playing roulette and having a jolly old time. The casino means a lot of things to many different people. Some, such as myself, see it as nothing more than a fun past time, a cute distraction and occasional social activity, while others see it as a way to get rich quickly and downright obsess over them. This split in viewpoints has offered up plenty of opportunities for directors to throw in their own hat into the ring and express their vision, which has given us some very good movies. And while in real life gamblers are mostly worried about stuff like recommended PayPal casinos, in the world of movies the casino represents things that are a bit deeper than that! For example…

Casino (1995) – The ever wonderful Robert De Niro stars in this crime drama about a mob boss who rises through the ranks and eventually sits behind the throne of his own Las Vegas casino, trying to manage it as part of a criminal empire while keeping his personal life in check. Directed by the one and only Martin Scorsese, “Casino” takes cues from some of the best mob movies of all time such as “The Godfather” and “Scarface”, giving the audience a cold, hard look at the criminal underworld, and at one man’s struggle to come out on top of it all while maintaining his sanity. In this movie, the casino is almost like a throne, an object of power to be fought over overtly and covertly, something worth betraying and murdering for. Definitely a pretty cynical look at the gambling empires of the mid-1990s, but not nearly as much as…

Croupier (1998) – The movie that put Clive Owen (of “Sin City” and “Children of Men” fame) on the map, “Croupier” is about as cynical and messed up as a movie can possibly get. In order to support himself while writing his book, a young writer is forced to take a job as a croupier operating a roulette table. Young and idealistic, he gradually begins to descend further into apathy and sadism as he watches the roulette shatter the dreams of the people who come to play. Eventually, the main character’s psyche starts being twisted by the roulette as he starts finding enjoyment in destroying the hopes and ambitions of those that come to play at his table. It’s a truly dark, even downright unsettling look into the human psyche, and one that’s not very easy to watch.

Ocean’s Eleven (2001) – Let’s cap off with something a lot less depressing, shall we? “Ocean’s Eleven” is really a casino movie, per say, but considering the fact that its plot mostly revolves around a casino (or, more specifically, around robbing one), I’d have to say that it counts. A band of misfits led by Danny Ocean (played by George Clooney) have to get together and overcome their differences in order to pull off the heist to end all heists! In this movie, the casino serves as the end goal, the thing that’s going to make everyone rich if their gamble pays off… Which, in fairness, is what a casino is to a lot of people in real life. Maybe that’s why the movie resonated with so many people? Or it could be because it was just damn good. You be the judge!

Imagine, please, the following scenario – tomorrow, a Hollywood executive comes knocking on my door and says “Hey, we’ve read your site, it’s pretty great, and now we want you to write and direct your own kung-fu movie, which I’ll produce. What do you have to pitch me?” I know, I know, it’s pretty hard to believe, but bear with me here for the sake of argument, okay? I’d need to come up with a movie that’s thrilling, exciting, fresh and new while also paying homage to both classic kung-fu tropes and modern staples of cinema. What kind of movie would I come up with?

I believe that the story should star someone who actually doesn’t know kung-fu at the beginning of the movie. Some of the best kung-fu movies star protagonists who go on to learn it later, so I’m thinking that the protagonist should start off being completely ordinary, but learn how to fight later, like in “The Matrix”. That protagonist isn’t entirely ordinary, though. Let’s make them female, a young woman in her early 20s. She suffers from autism, which leaves her being very socially inept, but also allows her brain to process information related to her niche a lot better, and that niche is patterns. She’s excellent at figuring out patterns, and has actually made a bit of a career for herself by managing to find exploits in online casinos. Her days are always the same – she visits sites listing the best UK online slots (since she’s British – British accents are cool), discovers some new online slot with a huge jackpot and then exploits its patterns in order to win it.

Well, all goes well for a while, until one day she receives a phone call. Being rather socially awkward, the woman decides not to pick up, and instead lets it go to voicemail. The message left is simple – “Get out of there NOW, people are coming to kidnap you”. Scared and confused, the woman tries to call the police, but before she can do anything men dressed in black SWAT uniforms step in and attempt to take her. Luckily, a man in casual clothes bursts through the door and manages to fight off the kidnappers using both kung-fu moves and the various items in the room. As it turns out, the people who have employed the SWAT team have discovered an ancient computer-like device with an unbreakable code. Their plan is to kidnap the woman and use her pattern recognition abilities to attempt to crack it open (as traditional hacking wouldn’t work at all), but if that happens they’ll gain control of whatever information there is inside.

Once rescued, the woman is told by the man that she has a choice – she can either let him kill her so that the men in black can’t get her, or she can come with him, learn how to defend herself and ensure that she’d never be taken. And thus starts their adventure – while being hunted, the two of them must ensure that the woman is properly trained (with the help of an old Asian sensei, of course) and, if possible, they must also steal the computer and attempt to open it themselves. Now, keep in mind that in most kung-fu movies the person with the better technique and better reflexes would win every time, but not here! Due to the woman’s ability to perceive patterns a lot better than others, she’d be able to use that to turn the tide in her favor… as long as she survives for long enough to even see a pattern, of course. While in online slots she can take all the time in the world, here she has to think on her feet, and considering her mental condition she wouldn’t always be able to do that. Overall, I think the result would be pretty interesting – I, for one, would love to see a movie like this! And you?

For the last 13 years, every year without fail, in numerous cities across the world, a movie is screened in theaters both professional and crafted by fans with a projector and a sheet of white cloth. Hundreds of thousands of people across the world gather and experience this absolute work of cinematic art, chanting the dialogue, cheering when characters and plot points are introduced and having the time of their life. So, what movie could have inspired a culture with such a following? It’s certainly not any of the classics, and not even “Star Wars” and “Lord of the Rings” fans are that rabid! No, the movie that everyone’s clamoring for is a little indie masterpiece known as “The Room”, often called by many “the worst movie ever made”.

Just so you know, I wholeheartedly disagree with that title – I can think of at least half a dozen movies which are way worse, such as “Birdemic”, “Manos: The Hands of Fate” or (brrr…) “The Hottie and the Nottie”. But “The Room” is definitely the best in the “so bad it’s good” genre, and I’ll tell you all about it. The story revolves around a man named Tommy Wiseau, who, despite being in college, definitely looks like he’s in his late 40s or early 50s. He has a completely indiscernible accent (is it French? Macedonian? Russian? Alien?) and has little to no understanding about how human interactions actually work. What he does have, though, is a bank account literally described as a “bottomless pit” and the dream to create the best movie ever made. He recruits his best friend, Greg Sestero, to be his line producer – even though Sestero has little idea about what a line producer is supposed to do – and together the two of them embark on a quest to realize Tommy’s vision exactly as he wants it to!

Oh, no, that’s not what the movie’s about. It’s the real story of how it was created. I’m not even kidding.

The plot of the movie revolves around a wealthy, good-hearted banker named Johnny (played by Wiseau) who has been engaged to his fiancée Lisa for over five years/seven years/whatever number the actor remembers at that particular moment. One day, out of nowhere, Lisa decides that she no longer loves Johnny and cheats on him with his best friend Mark (played, you guessed it, by Sestero). When he’s first invited in, Mark is so clueless about what’s going on that he asks Lisa about what she’s trying to achieve with the candles, the music and her sexy dress despite the fact that none of those are present in the scene. Of course, that doesn’t deter Lisa, who proceeds to sleep with Mark. Everything and anything that happens between that scene and the finale of the movie is entirely inconsequential to the plot, but it includes, in no particular order, a drug dealer threatening a kid and repeatedly asking for his money despite being assured that it’ll be there in a few minutes, Johnny buying flowers for Lisa in a scene so fast-paced that it’d make Kingsman’s church scene say “Slow down, dude”, Lisa’s mother announcing that she has breast cancer only to be completely dismissed, and a completely unknown couple breaking into Johnny’s apartment in order to have sex. It is insane, in the best possible way.

But not only does the script and dialogue make literally no sense, but the acting is absolutely dreadful. None of the actors hired for the movie make any sort of effort… Well, except for Tommy, of course, but effort doesn’t always translate into quality. You might have seen the infamous “You’re Tearing Me Apart, Lisa” scene already, considering its memetic status – that’s pretty much the level of acting in this movie. And it is amazing! Lots of movies have bad acting. The aforementioned “Birdemic” has some really, really, really bad actors, to the point where a kindergarten nativity scene has better acting than this. “The Happening” has normally great actors, such as Mark Wahlberg, reduced to blubbering idiots who can’t even say two words convincingly. But no acting is so hilariously over the top as that of “The Room”. It’s truly a sight to behold! Even if you know literally nothing about the equally crazy story of how this movie was made, just watching it is an experience in and of itself! So, without spoiling any more, all I can say is go ahead, gather a few friends, grab some beers and give the most enjoyably bad movie of all time a watch!